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relationships My wife and I stopped having sex and I’m frustrated: Ellie

23:21  22 november  2017
23:21  22 november  2017 Source:   thestar.com

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Even when my wife was in her 30s, we had sex once a month. She’s still sexually appealing to me . I ’ve consoled myself with porn, which of course isn’t the same. I ’ m frustrated . I thought it was our problem, not mine. Is she right?

She’s 65 and I ’ m 75, working 20 to 35 hours a week. Even when my wife was in her 30s, we had sex once a month. A couple’s differences over sexual desire can still be explored at any age. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email [email protected] or visit her website, ellieadvice.com.


I love my wife and always enjoy sex, but it is my biggest problem in our marriage.

She’s 65 and I’m 75, working 20 to 35 hours a week.

Even when my wife was in her 30s, we had sex once a month. She’s still sexually appealing to me.

Later in our life, sex completely disappeared.

When I confronted her or talked about it, she said that sex isn’t important to her, but I can find a sex therapist and make all the arrangements and she’ll come along.

I’ve consoled myself with porn, which of course isn’t the same. I’m frustrated. I thought it was our problem, not mine.

Is she right? Shall I find a sex therapist or talk to my doctor who’s a young lady in her 20s?

Busy schedule is taking a toll on our sex life: Ellie

  Busy schedule is taking a toll on our sex life: Ellie My husband of 10 years and I both have demanding professional jobs.At the end of the day, when we’re with our school-age children at home, we’re equally tired but supposedly equally involved in getting them to activities, overseeing homework, music education, etc.The difference is that he’s harsher, I’m more forgiving. He lashes out verbally (never physically) while I have gentler reactions.Also, he gets fed up when a parent-child problem isn’t immediately resolved, so he will stalk off or immerse himself in something else, leaving me to clean up the mess.We love each other, but we fight a lot.

I feel I ’ m missing out: Ellie . One reader's partner says she's not a sexual person. I love her and I want to be with her. But I feel I ’ m missing a big part of my relationship. What do I do? Frustrated . Men and women alike can naturally have low libido.

Reader and husband should see a sex therapist together, says Ellie . My husband’s been supportive but increasingly frustrated . I didn’t answer the phone and he very quickly stopped calling. I ’ m still not angry with him and I still don’t blame him.

Still Frustrated at 75

Why not explore your potential with a sex therapist’s advice? Ellie asks.© Richard Lautens Why not explore your potential with a sex therapist’s advice? Ellie asks.

It’s never too late to seek a better understanding of a long-term difference between you and your wife.

You’ve stayed together, which means that the love and companionship between you was/are the binding factors.

Since your wife opened the door to investigating further, it’s somewhat surprising that you haven’t done so in the past.

A specialist in sexual therapy may be able to illuminate what caused your wife’s disinterest in sex . . . whether it was low libido, or physical discomfort, or some other reason related to her upbringing, etc.

She may or may not still be willing to explore this.

You can both still have sexual relations at your ages, if health reasons don’t interfere. You can certainly still experience sexual intimacy of stroking and pleasuring.

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If you and your wife want to try something new in the bedroom, make sure you talk through it more, Ellie writes. (Dreamstime). She wants to have sex with a woman. I ’ m OK with whatever makes her happy.

DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVEN’T had sex with my wife for so long that I ’ve stopped asking now and have found myself a beautiful escort instead. I felt so frustrated and used that I paid to have sex with an escort.

So why not explore your potential with a sex therapist’s advice? And if either of you feel you should check it out with your doctor, do so.

There are some days where I absolutely love myself, and I feel like I can do anything. But some days (or most days) I feel ugly, stupid, anything along those lines.

I have so much self-loathing and I don’t know why.

Everyone says it’s just because I’m a teenager and that’s why I have these mood swings, but I think it’s something more.

Lately, I’ve been feeling not good enough body-wise and have considered throwing up. I feel depressed, happy and sad all at the same time. I feel like I can’t handle these emotions.

Confused

Of course you’re confused, because these are very conflicting emotions coming at you, and you don’t know why.

It’s true that the teenage years often bring a period of mood swings, some of which are triggered by the changing hormones inside that are part of your body/mind transition from being a child to an adult.

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  I think my younger boyfriend is 'stashing' me: Ellie I was married for ten years to a great guy (we had 15 years total together). We have two beautiful children. Recently, I decided I wasn’t happy and met someone else much younger than me. He’s 24, I’m 31. He’s never had a long relationship (I’m his longest at eight months). He’s accepted that I have children, I don’t expect him to play “Dad.” Their father is in the picture and we communicate well when it comes to the kids.I fell in love with this guy and he says he loves me too, but I haven’t met his family. He’s only met the children, my nephew and my mom. Every time I ask him to meet my whole family, he always has to work.

She just wants me to it more spontaneously, but also gets frustrated at times and doesn't want it, like when she's pissed off at me any way. On at least one occasion, she spent the night and I ' m pretty sure they had sex . Not sure about other times, though.

I 've been married for three years, and my wife and I were together for around 4 - I am always the one who initiates sex , and more often than not she comes up with - I have recently began to get upset and frustrated and even depressed when she turns me down, and my attempts to initiate sex have become less frequent.

The transition is normal, and so is the confusion it can bring. The good news is that it will pass as you mature.

But how you handle it now is very important.

You don’t want to start negative behaviours like throwing up, which can only bring a greater problem into your life.

Eating disorders can become a years-long problem. Vomiting and other tactics do not improve your body image but does harm your body’s health.

Confront it right now.

Talk openly to your parents. They likely went through some of this themselves and may be more understanding than you expect.

Also, see your doctor. You’re not sick, but mood swings are treatable, and you especially want to lessen depressive moods as they can get prolonged and interfere with the good parts of your teenage life, such as activities you enjoy, close friendships, etc.

Tip of the day

A couple’s differences over sexual desire can still be explored at any age.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.

My sister's depressed, but she doesn't want my help: Ask Ellie .
My younger sister has been very depressed about her boyfriend’s poor treatment of her, which ended recently with his leaving her apartment where he’d lived for four years.She’s 34 and has two kids, 13 and 11, from a previous relationship. Her boyfriend’s 26.He was a new immigrant here when they met through family. She was immediately taken with him, though he had nothing, and moved him in without rent or food money from him.But he was ambitious, went to school, got a job and got promoted. She’s got an OK job, but she’s always been needy and too giving in her relationships.She’s the dependent type, like our mother who cried for years after our father left. I’m the opposite.

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